UnScene Comedy

Hey guys guess what I did this weekend? That’s physically impossible for anyone to do. This is actually going to come as a shock to some of you but I actually didn’t do much this weekend. Why is that? Well that’s because it’s Memorial Day Weekend (not sure if all the words needed to be capitalized) and that means that I get Monday off of work which creates a third day to the traditional two day weekend.
    Memorial Day is a weird holiday because no one really knows what it’s about. A memorial is a way to remember something but that’s kind of unspecific so all we know is that this is a day when we’re supposed to be remember something. It’s up to each and every one of us to remember something. I remembered something that happened to me a couple of years ago. I was in my attic looking through some old boxes and a took a step backwards to an area with no floor and fell through the ceiling. This created a hole in my living room ceiling where the lower half of my body dangled as I pulled myself up. It was pretty scary, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wet my pants a lot more than usual after that.
    This incident made me really mad at the sitcom Family Matters. Any fan of the show knows how often someone falls or crashes through something and all that happens is people laugh and someone says something like, “Well that’s one way to get downstairs.” What they don’t show you in the show is how scary an event like that can be, not to mention if someone was in the living room at the moment they could have gotten hit by the plaster which I assume would have killed them. Then you have to have someone come and repair the hole which isn’t cheap, it’s just a big big mess.
    It’s only the bad stuff from sitcoms that seem to happen to me in real life. Like I’ve been dumped by girls, embarrassed myself in front of my boss, ate an entire pizza without a shirt on, it’s ridiculous! None of the good stuff ever happens but that’s probably just because the head writer is really lazy. I don’t want to end on a downer though some good stuff happened to me this weekend so I’ll list them rapid fire. Girl said I was funny after a show! Boom, happened! Beat Dead Space 2! Easy mode, check it! Ordered  a pizza! From Dominos, let’s move on! I installed my air conditioner and got really cold at night! Need another blanket, these are getting sad!
    So in conclusion, BE SURE TO ENJOY SPIKE TV’S MANMORIAL DAY WEEKEND OF MENTERTAINMENT FOR REAL MEN, IF YOU’RE A CHICK THEN GET A DICK!!!!!!!!!!!

 Hey guys guess what I did this weekend? Nope that was last week moron. This week I did something that’s been a long time coming. I cleaned my room! Now a lot of people are probably going to scoff at this. You cleaned your room this weekend? Why weren’t you out getting drunk and cruising for pooze like I was? Well first of all I’m not entirely sure what pooze is but I don’t think it’s something I want. Second of all anyone who’s seen my room probably wouldn’t say it was dirty or disorganized but it was, IT WAS TO ME! See the thing is, I’m kind of a neat freak but I’m also lazy. So what usually ends up happening is things aren’t super organized like I want them to. For example, I’d have clothes thrown on the floor, but they’d be thrown on the floor in nice even piles going from pants, to shirts, to miscellaneous.
    Most of the mess came from the numerous comic books I have lying around which gave way to one of my favorite activities, bagging and boarding, which then gave way to my next favorite activity, putting things in alphabetical order. I love putting things in alphabetical order. There’s nothing better than the feeling you get when you put things in alphabetical order then take a few steps back and just look at it. Look at those things there, all in an alphabetical row going from the earliest letter in the alphabet to the latest. I used the Times New Roman alphabet because it’s the only one I know. I tell you what though you want to find anything in my room you better believe you’re going to need to know the alphabet. A copy of Y: The Last Man? Boom check under Y. Want to watch Cabin boy, check under C. Want to try on a red shirt? That’s a weird request from a friend but it’s right there under R.
    There’s just something so American about a nice clean organized room. I feel like I should be cooling a pie off my windowsill or talking to the Roosevelt twins on a Ouija board. It’s what this country (yes I say country) was founded on. In 1492 Columbus and the other patriots were sick of being ordered around by the British. Now they knew that they did like order but wanted a more alphabetical and easy to use order not the haphazard willy nilly way the brits do things. I’m sorry, I really like history and tend to get off on it. I wish I had more to tell you guys but I can’t, I just love the way this room looks. To paraphrase the tiny lady at the end of Poltergeist, “this room… is clean.”
    Of course there is a problem though, you know it’s only temporary. I’m going to buy more stuff, run out of room, put that stuff on top of other stuff, or someone will borrow something creating a gap on the shelf or it’ll get dusty or ahhhh I don’t even want to think about it. I’m just trying to live in the moment here. I can’t worry about the future. That’s 2012 Tim’s problems. So excuse me if I don’t recycle or break for old ladies in the street but I’m a man with a mission and right now I feel like I’ve got all the time in the world.
    So in conclusion, please remember to spay and neuter your pets and when you do let me know… I uh, I like to watch that kind of thing.

Hey guys guess what I did this weekend? WHAT?! NO SHUT UP I DID NOT!!! I actually didn’t do much this weekend and do you know why I didn’t do much? That’s because all weekend every one just kept talking about how it was going to rain. Don’t plan a game of hoops it’s gonna rain. And don’t go to the movies, I hear it’s gonna rain.
Don’t water your flowers there be a rain a comin! I’m sick of people literally raining on my parade. (side note parades suck and are the most boring thing ever and I actually get pretty happy when they’re rained out)
    I feel like I can’t do anything without being called a lunatic. “Hey guys I was going up to Boston to visit my friends and hang out.” “In the rain! You’re going to drive all that way in the rain?!” Of course, how could I have forgot that no one’s ever driven in the rain. All cars are made out of chocolate and will dissolve in the rain. You idiot! You dumb piece of shit! We’re men, human men that have conquered the rain. We can do anything we want whether or not god is crying. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like rain. I actually hate it and hope it dies. I like my weather like I like my every food I’ve ever eaten, plain. Nothing spicy or exotic like rain or tornadoes.
    The worst part about the weather is the fact that it’s the go-to topic of conversation for boring people. I usually don’t like talking to people in general and if we don’t have something in common then I definitely don’t want to talk to you. But to bore me to death by talking about the one thing that every knows what going on with it? Oh you can’t believe how breezy it is this time of year? You don’t say that is fascinating. Wait a minute, I’m going out on a limb here but did you also find it surprising how late in season we got snow. Ohhhh, this could go on for hours and most of the time it does. The worst is when someone who lives twenty minutes away from you asks you how the weather is. Sunshiney you say? That’s odd because here we’ve entered an artic like freezey jamborie. I guess what I’m getting at is let’s take small talk back from the reigns of the tyrannical weather. Let’s only talk about interesting stuff. If you meet a stranger, tell him what you fear the most. Catching up with an estranged relative? Tell them about a recent weird sexual experience. Waiting in line at a bank? Start singing your favorite Korn tune.
    So in conclusion, I’ve been secretly training my dogs to fight crime as… THE DOG SQUAD!

  Hey guy, guess what I did this weekend? Wow, that was not only wrong but pretty racist. I actually spent way too much money this weekend, so much so that I may have to misspell too, toooooooooo much money. What did I spend my money on, what else but comic books, that’s right I know last week we talked about comics because of Comic Con but we’re going to talk about them this week too because Saturday was Free Comic Book Day. It might sound kind of weird that I’d spend money on a holiday (yes it’s a holiday, flip off Memorial Day) that is entitled Free but let me explain how it works. On Free Comic Book day most companies will put out a couple of crappy reprints or short one-shots that usually aren’t that great and don’t have anything to do with anything that people can get for free and then usually everything else on the store is on sale, that’s where the money spending comes in if you idiots didn’t get where I was going with that.
    I’ve been trying to save money lately so I didn’t really want to spend that much but it’s hard for me to resist a sale. It’s even harder for me to resist anything by Tim Sale but no need to go into that. I might as well buy this thing I don’t want now while it’s on sale instead of never buying it like I was planning to all along and that’s the story of how I got the trade for the latest incarnation of Batgirl. (that’s what the article was about right?)
    I hate Free Comic Book Day, it’s way too crowded in the store. I like going every Wednesday to get my new comics. It’s usually just the store owner and I and we chat for a bit then I go home. On Free Comic Book Day, ehh I’m sick of writing the whole thing let’s just call it FCBD, it’s packed full of idiots grabbing free comics then never reading anything else for an entire year. I cannot understand that for the life of me, for me these things are so addictive how can you read them just once a year. It feels like you’re girlfriend inviting you to a party and then you get there and you don’t know anybody but they all know you’re girlfriend and are taking up all of her time and you wish you could just find a corner and read to yourself and no one really knows her like you do but for some reason she wants all the people there. What am I talking about, oh god I’m lonely. I also saw Thor this weekend, by myself which I don’t think that’s weird, so you guys should go see that because it was great. I apologize again I promise next week’s article won’t be about comic books, maybe it’ll be about… euthanasia? Or redwood trees, depends on which type of scientist I sleep with. (do I do that?)
    So in conclusion, I’m pretty sensitive about my grammar, not sure if I’m really using all these commas and parenthesis correctly. 

  Hey guys guess what I did this weekend. Wow, you idiots are really bad at this okay I’ll just tell you. I went to the Boston Comic Con. Oh what fun. I had to go by myself of course not sure that I’m that unpopular. I have at least three friends who read comic books, I can’t believe they were all too busy with “work” and “wife” and “work-wife.” Full disclosure my work wife is the 15 minutes that I’m supposed to take for lunch and instead use it to read the obit’s in the paper. I had one friend who was going to go but cancelled to play Dungeons and Dragons. I’m sure we were both thinking, why is that guy doing that nerdy thing instead of doing this cool thing with me.
    I got some great deals on some books. Mostly picked out some trades. I spent 100 bucks at this one table then thought to myself, hmn I can either go home… or go to an atm. I chose the latter (that’s the atm option right?) and withdrew another 100 dollars which I spent at the same table. This year had some great artists one in particular I wanted to meet, Frank Quitely.
    I stood in line for about an hour to get a some All Star Superman and Batman & Robin issues signed. It was taking awhile it seemed like Frank was talking a lot to people. I thought this is great we’ll have an actual conversation. He was talking up a storm to the guys in front of me. When it got to my turn I stepped up, Frank turned and started talking to someone else at the table while he very nonchalantly signed my books. Is there something about me that he didn’t like as opposed to everyone else in line?
    I always end up feeling bad when I meet my heroes. Like last year when I met Mike Mignola the creator of Hellboy my all time favorite comic/movie/everything. I was so psyched to meet him, you’d think he’d be just as excited to meet me, a faceless fan among millions, right? Instead he very nonchalantly signed some books, I bought a mini-novel from him and as I was leaving the table he yelled out to me, “hey wait!” This is it, this is where he asks me to hang out and tell him stories of how much I love his work! As I turned around he said, “the sketchbooks are ten dollars, the mini-novels are fifteen, you owe me an extra five dollars.”
    It’s not their fault though, they meet millions of fans all the time, it’d be crazy to expect large enthusiasm every time they meet a stranger. Still, I’m pretty sure if I ever get the chance me and Rick Remender would really hit it off. Fear Agent is great!
    By the end of the festival, I had two large bags of comics so heavy that it ended up making my hands soar. Luckily there was no permanent damage, but imagine if there was. That would be the lamest battle scar story ever. Oh you got that fake eye from a biker brawl on a riverboat doing down the Missisp? Well check out these hands and I’ll tell you a tale of the boy who bought more than he could carry.
    So in conclusion, of course I cried during Kate and Prince Williams wedding, I’M NOT A ROBOT!

  Hey guys, you’ll never guess what I did this weekend. Nope. Nuh uh, that’s not it. Nice try, guess again. You’re way off idiot. Ahhh I’ll just tell you. I ordered my first movie on demand! I was nervous at first but it ended up being so cool and easy. Here’s what I did, I pressed the demand button on my remote control and then on the television screen a menu popped up. There were so many options you guys, it’d be easier for even a novice demander to get lost but it’s cool with God on your side and a couple of beers in your belly you’ll be good to go. Now I don’t remember how I got to where I wanted to go but I got there, I landed on Super on IFC on demand. This movie is in theatres but you can watch it on your tv! Be warned it does cost money. $6.99 to be exact. The best part about that though is if you’re like me and live with your parents, it just goes straight to their cable bill so it doesn’t even cost you a cent!   
    Let’s talk a little bit about the movie. I liked it. At first I was a little concerned that it’d be too similar to Kick-Ass which the beginning and ending were but there was some stuff in the middle that didn’t remind me of it. It’s actually a little more realistic than Kick-Ass which was weird because Kick-Ass was supposed to be a realistic movie about super heroes. Besides does it matter if someone makes a good movie that is similar to another good movie? I never heard anyone complain that B.A.P.S. was just like Frost/Nixon. Ellen Page displayed her trademark quirkiness but it wasn’t actually that annoying this time. I hope that “girls that work in comic books stores” becomes the new “naughty nurses” costume around Halloween. Rainn (there’s a character in Mortal Kombat named Rain) Wilson was great in it. Him and Ed Helms seem to be the only two people from The Office that can make a decent movie. The movie is rather violent so be warned. If you want to see a movie about real people trying to be super heroes and getting beat up give this a shot.
    It's crazy how fast we can get entertainment to us. It's like oh I want a pizza and then boom 30 minutes later it there. But hey I can't have my bread without my circus, well kapow there's a movie on your television. Music in your ears, nasinex in your nose, and a tuxedo snuggie and you never have to leave home again. The technological evolutionical war is here and the lazies have won. To paraphrase the Roling Stones, "I can get satisfaction... pretty quickly in fact."
    In conclusion even though it’ll probably suck I can’t wait for the new Planet of the Apes movie!